Guarded Optimism and Cautious Hope

So I got the call from the new RE, who called me personally which I found to be refreshing. We talked about the other RE’s we’d seen, what my diagnosis was and what treatments we tried and what was successful. He then told me that he’d have the scheduler send me an email with some papers I needed to fill out and a confirmation of the date and time we’d agreed upon for our first appointment.

I was excited and apprehensive at the same time. When you are dealing with infertility you learn to practice guarded optimism and cautious hope. You hope for the best possible outcome…a viable pregnancy that results in a live birth but many of us in the community have experienced a loss of both. Some have had miscarriages (myself included) and some have suffered through still births. These experiences are life changing in a way that anyone who hasn’t have the misfortune will never understand. Sometimes they can cause such a fracture in a relationship that it can never be repaired. That is what started the rapid decline in my first marriage. Other times it can bring a couple closer together and help them refocus on who they are and why they are doing this because through the infertility process it’s really easy to lose sight of those things and focus solely what you don’t have and feel an overwhelming fear that they may never have it.

These are all things that have been going through my head for the last week. That along with the dread of what I am about to go through. After I got off the phone with the RE it all came flooding back to me. The blood draws, the vaginal ultrasounds, the hormones, the pills, the FSH shots for 45 days, the HCG trigger shot which I’m sure was more traumatic for my husband, who had to give me the shot, than for me. The two week wait the negative test and the crying, the mourning, etc…

waterAfter all of that I was beginning to wonder if this is what I really wanted. So much work, so much heartbreak. Then I saw a picture of my son on my phone that helped me refocus. When I look at his face it’s all worth it.

Here is the news that was hard to take this week. Our insurance sucks. Straight up sucks donkey balls!! We have a huge deductible before our benefits kick in and then after that we only have $2500.00 lifetime max for infertility and that DOES include drugs.

::Sigh::

When we were doing the shots of Follistim on a daily basis for 45 days the cost without insurance was $900+ and we had to get that refilled twice. Luckily our insurance picked up most of that tab and our copay was around $75 each time. Anyone doing the math can clearly see that the cost to our insurance is nearly $1800.00. That leaves us with $700 for everything else. So basically we will be paying for this out of pocket until we meet our deductible and then after that it still doesn’t cover much.

Knowing this we have to put our baby dreams on hold for a while. We need to pay some debt and collect our coins to save for when we try again. That’s the bad news for me but the good news is it’s only a year away. It will give me time to get into grad school this fall and get my feet firmly planted into school so that when we do try again I won’t be working through the stress of trying to adjust to grad school AND trying to get pregnant. It will be one thing at a time instead of jumping in head first.

Am I sad? Yep. I am. My heart is breaking a little as I write this. I was hoping that I’d be pregnant by the end of summer and on my way to having a baby. However, I’m a bit on the relieved side that I don’t have to be poked, prodded, emotionally unstable and stressed out. I am trying to look on the bright side and keep my chin up. Can you tell??

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